One windy day of autumn. The leaves were falling slowly down from the tree. A girl in school uniform was sitting on a swing in the park. The wind was blowing her long black hair slowly. She was holding a book and a pen in her hands. It looked like she had been writing something. Her face expressed a feeling of pain and sorrow which were really hard to be described into words. The sky was turning darker and darker. A moment later, the raindrops were falling down. She put her book and pen into her pink bag and walked slowly in the rain with tears dropping without anyone realizing......
"You're the one who's given me hope to live up until now. You're the one who always stay next to me and protect me. You're the one who's given me the strength to go on. You're the one who makes me want to live with all my memory. My memory which is the only way of holding onto the things I love, the things I am and the things I don’t want to lose. You are a memory that I've never wanted to lose. As long as I live in this world, I'll always remember you, remember our memories together. I will treasure you in my heart until the end of time because you are my endless memory........"
The first day of school, after three-month break. Jumi, a 16 years old high school girl, got up early and took out school uniform that she hasn't worn for 3 months. After getting ready and taking a walk to school, Jumi arrived at a high school which were full of gathering students in school uniforms. Having been walking slowly into her school, she could hear people were talking about her...
"She's so cute, isn't she?"
"Yeah! But she's so quiet"
"I've never seen her talk to anyone before"
"She only smiles."
"I've wondered why she's always alone"
These are all she always hears every time she takes her step into the school. It already became her habit. Finally she found her new class. This year she has become a 2nd year student of a high school. She attracted everyone’s attention by her beauty and sweet smile as she was walking into the classroom. Jumi grabbed a seat at the second row, by the window. Immediately, she could hear a group of girls who were sitting at the back were talking about a transferred student. But she didn't really put much interest in their talking because she gathered all her attention to the book that she just took out from her bag. A few minutes later, teacher came in. The students stood up and she told them to sit down. So Jumi brought her interest back to the book she was reading. The teacher announced......
"Everyone! Attention! We've got a new classmate. He just transferred from England. Joon! Come in!"
A tall guy, in school uniform, walked in while the girls in the classroom were exclaiming......
"Wahhhhh!!! He's so cute!"
"Yeah his smile is so sweet"
He was a tall handsome guy. His hair was brown which went well with his clear skin. He's got a sharp nose, big attractive eyes and pinks lips. His smile was sweet enough to melt the girls' heart. The guy smiled and introduced himself...
"Hello everyone! I'm Joon. Nice to meet you"
Jumi dropped her pen on the floor. Her heart fell at her feet...
.....................................................
"Jumi! Jumi!"
"Ah yeah! Teacher!"
"Is the seat next to yours free?"
"Hmmm yeah.. yeah I guess..."
"That's great! Joon! You can go and sit next to Jumi."
Joon looked at her and smiled a bit and had a seat at a chair next to her. Jumi smiled back at him and suddenly turned away because she knew she couldn't stop her tears which were almost rolling down anymore...
"Joon! Finally you're back".................................
JuLinA JooNieJooLie
Hi editor, I have some comments on ur episode 1:
ReplyDeleteParagraph1: ur place and situation u choose for her are really good for starting the story.
But from each sentence to other, it doesn't link well.
For example:
1.one windy day of autumn.
2.The leaves were falling down from the tree.
3.A girl in school uniform was sitting on a swing in the park.
4.The wind was blowing her long black hair
There are 4 sentences more than one paragraph...
Other one, u use word memory too much....
Paragraph2: It's good for both situation and sentence. But u forget to add some points in order to make the reader feel that they are watching that event in stead of reading.
Hello anonymous....
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say thank you so much for your ideas. M really appreciate that. I've taken your ideas in order to improve my writing... ^^
Every words, touched my heart after reading.... : )
ReplyDelete